'What is your name again?' the lady lying on the bed who kept looking at me with a scrutinising gaze which made me awkwardly nervous asked as she pushed her glasses a little firmly on her nose when I cleared my throat saying 'Ji... It's Dhara!!!' when she nodded and looked at Arindam Uncle who smiled a little. It's like they were looking into each other's eyes yet having conversations in their own eye language.
'She...isn't a Bengali?' the lady asked when Daarji said 'Her mother was... But none of us knew Bengali so she can't speak the language!' when she looked at Arindam Uncle asking 'We are Chakraborties Arindam. I don't believe in caste and creed but language is the least we expect from our grand daughter in law!!!' she said distastefully when Arindam Uncle said 'Krish also cannot speak Bengali but he's still our child right Shayantani? It's just a language and I'm sure she'll learn our language and adapt our culture too!' and she slowly looked at me however didn't comment anything.
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'I hope you feel comfortable here Dhara!!! This is our guest room and next door is your Daarji's guest room. I will be staying 2 doors to the left over there. Feel free to reach me out anytime. This is a big Bungalow and could feel lonely or even scary sometimes...don't ever hesitate to reach out. Goodnight' Nivedita Didi wished me well and went to bed. I slowly turned around looking at the huge room that was assigned to me. It was as big as Rab Di Mehr's living room. Why did we have to stay. The room was already suffocating although the AC was on. Probably because it was a new place.
I switched off the AC and opened the windows of the room. It felt much better. The fresh breeze made me feel a bit lively. I stood by the window gazing at the beautiful lotus pond that they had in their huge compound. Nah! I'd rather call this an estate. It must be really wonderful living amongst this lush greenery amongst all that shoo-shah Kolkata traffic. I smiled and kept gazing towards the pond when my eyes fell on the huge trees which looked beautiful in the morning although now looked scary and creepy.
Looks like opening the windows weren't such a great idea after all. Probably I could manage to be under the coldness of AC one night although being a sinusitis patient since forever this meant my throat would be clogged and nose would be blocked by next morning. But atleast I wouldn't imagine scenarios all night. Damn it!!! I shouldn't have watched that horror movie over the weekend.
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I didn't like having the tablets. I had put in a lot of efforts and I was completely off them since last 6 months. I was put on them after my marriage broke and I had developed insomnia and acute depression. The doctor put me off the hook for all my medicines almost a year ago, but I was still struggling with my insomnia issues, so I used to consume that medicine alone. But with help of yoga and meditation I got rid of those tablets and almost conquered my sleeping disorder. I have been clean for the last 6 months but tonight I felt the need to have it.
It was almost 3 am in the morning and I was wide awake. I didn't like having the tablets because although it puts me to sleep, there have been instances that I would assume things, at times see them too. I have woken up screaming there's a bat in my room where as I lived in a room which didn't even have a window for god's sake and I close the door when I go to bed. Once I woke up screaming there was a cockroach in my blanket, thanks to my extreme love for pests and insects!!! Note the sarcasm!
Yoga and meditation really helped me conquer my fears but tonight I would give anything to sleep. I regretted staying here in their huge bungalow. Although I stayed alone in that small apartment of mine, I could hear my neighbour as he worked a night shift, there was a construction happening opposite to the building I was staying and I knew 24/7 I had people surrounding me. Although initially all this annoyed me but the same curse turned out to be a boon once I encountered insomnia latching onto me. This eery silence scared me. So without giving space to yet another lingering thought I stripped open my medicine and gulped it down with a glass of water. I closed my eyes and slowly sleep acquired me.
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I could hear someone giggling and I woke up at once. The door of the guest bedroom that I had closed while sleeping was now wide open. I slowly lifted my upper body to peep a little only to see a certain someone's shadow pass by the door. I was alerted.
'Who is it?' I managed to ask and in return I got no response. I asked again. 'Is anyone there?' and this time I heard someone giggling again. I was scared. I didn't know if I should follow this figure or should I simply cover myself in the cozy quilt and go back to bed. Or maybe I must reach out Nivedita Didi. She told me that she would be just 2 doors to the hallway. Maybe I could reach her out. I slowly managed to put my foot down as I wore my sandals and slowly walked out of the room only for my head to start spinning as I noticed the hallways were unbelievably long.
I still managed to look for the cross hallway to reach out someone's room. Maybe Nivedita Didi...or Daarji...yes she told me Daarji would be in the next room to this guest room. Maybe I could reach Daarji. I started walking only to find no room next to mine and the hallways looked invariably never ending. Why is this not coming to an end? Suddenly at the corner of the room I saw a strange figure. It looked very much like Nivedita Didi to me.
'Nivedita Didi? Is that you?' I asked only for her to not reply my question and start walking towards the end of the hallway which looked a too far yet near to me. I couldn't measure if it was far or near. Suddenly I heard the sound of anklets. Thick, heavy anklets. Those weren't the ones women wore for regular use. Those reminded me of the anklets which Anika or Tillu wore as she danced to some Indian clasical songs back in our childhood. Suddenly I heard their laughter. Anika??? Tillu??? But how can they be here? Just when I am recalculating everything I hear the giggling sounds again.
Following the voice I walk towards it only to notice the figure that I had seen was not of Nivedita Didi but was Sharath's mother who was now looking at me with an angry face as she yells
'You are unfit for my son! You are useless and so is your so called Daarji. You orphan!!! Without a name or a family background. I am never going to let someone like you be a part of our family. Your father couldn't even afford a few basic gifts for us and you think I'll let my Sharath take your burden upon him? Never!!!' and I helplessly start crying. Tears roll down my cheeks as I try to say things but words don't come out of my mouth. Suddenly Sharath's mother's face disrupts into something watery and I see Shayantani Aunty's face who is smirking at me as she asks 'How will you be a part of my family if you can't talk Bengali! You need to be a part of our culture. Come let me make you a Bengali bride!' and before I know she starts taking steps towards me creepily.
My throat feels clogges and my palms turn sweaty as I try to step backwards only for my back to hit a certain someone. I turn around to see Beena aunty and Shobha aunty with a few boxes of saree and jewellery in their hands with a creepy smile on their faces while Shobha aunty says 'Would you like to be a Chakraborty Daughter in law Dharaaaa?' and I shake my head only to find a passage which I use to escape but unfortunately I ended up reaching the same hallway opposite to Shayantani aunty who is standing there with an angry face. To add on I hear the sound of the anklets. They are too loud and my head starts spinning now. I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout but nothing left my mouth.
They are all coming very close to me and I push them all away as I run again towards the passage and this time I manage to run outside the bungalow. I was in the gardens gasping for air only to notice the pitch darkness with a sweet smell of jasmine? I could still hear the sound of the anklets haunting me as I start running towards the deep jungles without a second thought only to finally see a huge old bungalow standing tall. It almost looked like a haunted mansion. One of those in the horror movies and I heard a loud screeching scream coming out of the bungalow only for me to suddenly open my eyes.
Just when I did that I noticed I was still in the same guest bedroom where I had slept last night. My eyes immediately went towards the door which was still closed. There was ample amount of sunlight coming into the room from the window I had opened last night. I gulped as I wiped the sweat off my forehead. I was almost drenched in sweat right now. This was a horrible nightmare. The reason I hate taking the tablets.
I immediately rushed to the washroom and took a warm shower and changed into a pair of salwar kameez that was kept on the table. Probably by Nivedita Didi and I smiled and quickly dressed into it. I was thankful for that gesture. It was a simply grey and black kolkata cotton salwar kameez and I simply loved it. After dressing up, I wanted to do my little prayers. I wasn't very religious anymore but sometimes when I get these nightmares, praying and meditating helped.
I slowly stepped out of the room although the flashes of last night's nightmare was still alive in my eyes. Fearingly I looked around only to see the hallway wasn't so long. Infact it was bright and beautiful. I started walking as the bright sunlight played peekaboo on the walls of the bungalow. The guest room where Daarji was staying exactly next to the one I stayed unlike my ugly nightmare. I noticed Daarji was up and sitting in the garden area with Arindam Uncle discussing the newspaper with a cup of tea. An instant smile spread across my lips.
I starting walking towards the end of the hallway only to notice a wall full of beautiful paintings. Some looked age old, some seemed to be acrylic freshly painted. I recognised a few faces. Beena aunty...Shobha aunty...Oh wow!!! This looked like the daughter in laws. I couldn't recognise many of them but I ended up finding Shayantani aunty who looked beautiful in her prime. Wow!!! Bengali women are indeed beautiful. I chuckled recalling how I imagined her to be so evil last night in my nightmare. Why am I so sensitive after all? Since when did I turn into being someone like this? I was never like this.
She wasn't wrong after all. I don't know anything about Bengali culture or language. Everything I know is bookish stuff or the stuff I heard and saw since I shifted to Kolkata. Just because my mother was a Bengali, without having that upbringing how would I imbibe that culture and those traditions just by knowing I'm born to a Bengali woman. I know nothing else about her other than this. I sadly smile thinking how much I'm internally damaged and am I really ready to take a step forward and think about a new relationship? Marriage? Am I really ready for it when I'm fighting my own demons and imagining such crazy things about people who just vocalised their opinions honestly?
I almost imagined Shayantani aunty to be a ghost or a witch in my dreams. Why am I so opinionated yet so quiet. Why didn't I open up and reply Shayantani aunty when she kept looking at me with so much scrutiny? Why am I overthinking everything so much?
No!!! I must get a hold of this stupid mind that's running a marathon 24/7. I must learn to somehow control my thoughts. You can't let yourself slip away again Dhara. You've got this. Yes!!! You've got this!!!
I knew I was going to see Aniruddh today but I had to get a hold of my thoughts. I didn't want to have another nightmare, worse... panic attacks again. So I decided to do a little meditation and Pranayama before I would meet anyone. Although I preferred doing this in fresh and open air, I didn't want to be a nuisance here, so I went back to the guest bedroom I stayed last night and decided to take the floor that had the warm matt and I sat cross legged folding into a Padmasana posture and closed my eyes chanting 'Om'. My mind felt relaxed and body felt liberated. After practicing Anuloma Viloma I felt at ease. About 15 minutes later I felt confident and got up. My eyes wandered outside the window when suddenly I heard the something.
Anklets!!!
The same anklets???
I closed my ears with my palms trying to stop the sound but even after that I could hear them. I pinched myself but I could still hear it. Fears engulfed me again.
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